Bye Week News

Ricky Williams wanted to smoke a joint over the bye week and realized that it wasn’t worth $3,000,000.  Good job Ricky, good job.  Meditation is a wonderful thing.

Chicago Bears 24, Philadelphia Eagles 20

Where to start?  The fact that we started the game by going three and out and then the Bears took all of three or four plays to score a touchdown?  We’re talking about the Bears, with Kyle Freakin Orton here.  Kyle Orton?  Really? 

How about the fact that David Akers missed two field goals that could have been the difference in the game?  This is coming from the Eagles starting Monday morning quarterback, but I’m sorry it would really be nice to have a kicker who was more consistent on field goals longer than extra points.  I don’t care how accurate he is from 30-39 yards, you can’t play in this league if those aren’t gimmes chump.

Or how about Andy Reid’s statement that he didn’t call a QB sneak on 4 and goal from the 1 millimeter line, because of Donovan’s chest contusion?

I really don’t remember watching a game in which a team was given this many opportunities to win yet managed to find a way to squander all of them.  On second thought, I saw the Eagles/Cowboys game two weeks ago and remember thinking the exact same thing.

Washington Redskins 26, Dallas Cowboys 24


Who is this mysterious man playing quarterback for the Redskins and what did you do with Jason Campbell?  I saw a player who looked like a seasoned veteran, getting to his 2nd, 3rd and sometimes 4th reads, looking off receivers and squeezing the ball into tight spaces in the red zone.  I mean we’re not talking about a David Garrard impression either; I’m talking about a QB with full control of the offense. 

 

Who would have thought after that week one debacle against the Giants, that Campbell would have 6 TDs and no INTs while completing 65% of his passes through 4 games?  If he completes more than the -2 passes he completed in that dreadful first half, he’s flirting with a 70% completion percentage.

 

TO is being TO.  Plaxico’s being Plaxico and Chad is being Ocho Cinco.  Seems the only big time receivers not being themselves are Steve Smith who’s being the Good Samaritan and Marvin Harrison who’s being some old washed up receiver who needs to retire.  I guess that is who Harrison is now, so I take that back.

 

While we’re keeping score, the Cowboys defense may be one of the most overrated units in the league right now.  They couldn’t stop the Skins this week, who by no means are considered an offensive powerhouse, and they made an Eagles offensive unit that has proven its ineptitude beyond the shadow of a doubt against the Bears and the Steelers in the past two weeks, look like the 2008 edition of the greatest show on turf.  I would spend more time dogging the Cowboys D, but I am reserving defensive dogging for . . .

 

Kansas City Chiefs 33, Denver Broncos 19


Any defense that allows the Chiefs to put up 33 points needs to be immediately disbanded, euthanized, and replaced with players from 82’ and 87’s strike shortened seasons.  These guys are putrid. 

 

On another note, I haven’t ventured into fantasy football land much this year, but the Broncos D is good for something.  It would have been unheard of two years ago to field a fantasy squad with both Ladanian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson, but that is exactly what managed to happen to me this year.  Of course there is a reason for that, considering that most people believe Johnson has seen his better days, the Chiefs are rebuilding, and their offensive line couldn’t run block against my high school’s defensive line. 

 

(This is not a total exaggeration as NY Giants defensive tackle Russell Davis and former Minnesota Vikings and Dallas Cowboys’ defensive tackle Demetrius Underwood both played together at my high school.  Don’t ask me which one is the most “dangerous” player as I will decline comment.)

 

This week was fantasy throwback week as both LJ and LT put up monster numbers, taking my fantasy team to 4-0.  Cutler ultimately doomed my other fantasy squad which started 3-0.  Apparently there is some truth to quarterbacks leading your team to the Promised Land or into the fish tank. 


San Diego Chargers 28, Oakland Raiders 18


This was looking real bad for me for a while considering I’ve probably been Jamarcus Russell’s biggest anti-fan since they made him better than Donovan McNabb on Madden to start the season off, despite his lack of experience. 

 

Russell came out firing as the Raiders built a 15-0 lead and looked poised to break a 10 game losing streak to the Chargers.  However, reality set in and the Raiders blew their two score lead in the exact manner you would expect;  Russell tossed a pick and lost a fumble that led to two touchdowns in the fourth quarter and LT finished with 2 TDs and 100 yards.  Who couldn’t have predicted that outcome?


Tennessee Titans, 30, Minnesota Vikings 17


A game between two ball control teams with great run defenses and questionable QB play usually does not equate to a game worth being televised, so who would have thought we’d get 47 combined points out of these two?  Four Vikings turnovers played right into the Titans’ hands resulting in 21 points.

 

In other news, Frerotte went down which means Tavaris Jackson is captain once again of Adrian Peterson’s offense.  Considering the prospects, I really don’t see what is stopping the Vikings from either a) running the option full time, b) running Wildcat full time with Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor with Tavaris Jackson in the slot, or c) letting the Booty loose.  One thing is for certain, Jackson as your starter isn’t the answer.


Cleveland Browns 20, Cincinnati Bengals 12


The battle of Ohio, the dogs and the cats, orange and black versus orange and brown.  Regardless of what you want call it, this game couldn’t be more unimportant.  Carson Palmer didn’t play yielding to Ryan Fitzpatrick out of Harvard, known for producing NFL caliber athletes.   Fitzpatrick managed to leave his mark all over this game by not only leading the Bengals in passing, but leading the punishing Cincinnati ground attack with 41 yards on 4 carries.  He also led the Bengals even further down the path to ultimate sucktitude as they are sitting in familiar territory at 4-0.

 

Note: I just read a Marc Stein column in which he used “sucktitude.”  Two uses in a week deserve an addition request to Webster’s along with physicality. 

 

Meanwhile Chad Ocho Cinco continued to reinforce the fact that he is not nearly the receiver that Chad Johnson was and the Bengals probably should have thought about the risk they were taking by dropping Johnson and picking this bum up.  (3 catches 28 yards and his first TD of the season)  Can someone confirm or deny whether or not he celebrated after this TD?

 

Being the avid conspiracy theorist that I am, could this all be a plot by Ocho Loco to force a trade to the Eagles?  One can dream can’t he?

 

By the way, Bill Simmon’s comparison of Chad Johnson to Carl Pickens 2.0 was one of many LOL moments I’ve had this week including but not limited to:

 

1)    The Shane Mosley Ricardo Mayorga Fight.  This fight was funny on so many levels but primarily because Mayorga is must see entertainment if just for his antics alone.  What is really funny is that he is one of the few true fighters remaining who still employs the dated tactic of thinking you can intimidate your opponent by not guarding and letting him pummel you. 

2)    After watching the Mosley fight, I realized that I would probably pay HBOPPV money to watch a sporting event covered by the Dream Team of Larry Merchant and John Madden.  It would probably go 2 hours over scheduled broadcast time and they wouldn’t say one thing that had anything remotely to do with the live broadcast, but you’d sure get a nice sports history lesson.

3)    Chris Rock’s new HBO stand up.  A good majority of it was hilarious, but truer words have never been spoken about interracial dating and minorities in rich neighborhoods.

 

Buffalo Bills 31, St. Louis Rams 14


Not much to say about this game as everyone knows the Rams suck.  However, I found it odd that their coach managed to get fired at dark-thirty this morning.  Kudos to the Rams GM for sleeping on it and not making a rash decision, but either he’s an early bird or he didn’t even need a full night’s beauty sleep to realize it was the right decision.


Jacksonville Jaguars 30, Houston Texans 27


It seems that no matter who the Jags play, it’s going to come down to the last minute.  Considering that they’re 2-2, I smell a .500 season coming on despite all the high hopes for the Jags this season.  Frankly what it comes down to is that I’m still not quite sold on David Garrard or the Jags receivers.  Considering that Garrard led them in rushing this week, its reasonable to assume they still haven’t gotten that ground pound on track.  This is a deadly combo, because Garrard isn’t ready to win games with his arm today and I’m not sure he’ll ever be that type of quarterback.

 

I don’t advocate drug usage by any means, but why did it take a cocaine bust for Matt Jones to wake up and start playing like a legit wideout?  Things that make you go hmmm.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers 30, Green Bay Packers 21


The Bucs, formerly the ultimate NFL cellar dwellers, seem to keep a defense good enough to win games they’re not supposed to win.  I don’t care what the line was, the Bucs on paper shouldn’t beat anyone, yet somehow they manage to pull out games like this and are sitting at 3-1.  I mean come on, Griese threw for 150 yards and 3 picks.


New York Jets 56, Arizona Cardinals 35


It’s pretty sad that the Cardinals pass defense is this bad.  What makes it worse is they seem pretty far away from ever having a solid unit.  They don’t have any proven corners, their linebackers are nothing to write home about even if you’re incarcerated and they don’t seem to have any type of pass rush.  Is this the result of the move to a 3-4 front or just a lack of personnel?  They’re sitting in familiar territory in .500 land, and I just don’t foresee them taking a step forward without making huge strides along the offensive and defensive lines as well as in the secondary. 

 

If they let Andy Reid draft for them for one year with his passion for linemen and DBs, they would be poised for a Super Bowl run.  On the other hand, the Eagles could sure use a year with Denny Green in charge of the draft board.

 

Oh yeah, Favre threw a career high 6 TDs.  That is all.


New Orleans Saints 31, San Francisco 49ers 17


Two teams, both are .500 and I really can’t tell you which direction either team is going in.  The Saints haven’t been able to string two wins in a row together, and with the Vikings, Radiers, Panthers, and Chargers in their next four games, they’ll probably be .500 or worse 4 weeks from now.  The Niners won two straight coming into this game and had a real shot at being a strong 3-1 but laid an egg.  What gives?

 

As much junk as I talk about Reggie Bush, he is on one of my fantasy teams and he and Jay Cutler teamed up to give me my lowest scoring performance of the week.  I guess I gave Bush too much credit last week, so I’ll continue dissing him in hopes of getting a rebound performance next week. 

 

Bush’s numbers on the ground this week: 10 carries, 31 yards, 0 TDs, 5 catches, 7 yards.

That’s not even good for a receiver playing running back.  Hell Desean Jackson posted better numbers rushing and receiving than Bush on one drive against the Bears D.


Carolina Panthers 24, Atlanta Falcons 9


Steve Smith gave Ken Lucas a touchdown ball, isn’t he just a sweetheart?  Team or no team, I don’t want your stinking ball if you broke my nose with a cheap shot.  Or maybe he should have taken it and slammed it on his neck and told him “payback is a grandmother.” 


I just can’t like the Panthers, even though I’m in North Carolina.  I’ve tried, I really have but the following lethal combination is too much to overcome:

1)    The blue is a little to close to the baby powder blue that those stinking Tar Heels wear.

2)    They are an expansion team so they don’t have enough history.  Most NFL teams are expansion teams in some sense of the word; however, I define expansion teams by determining whether I can remember when you didn’t exist.  I remember when there were no Panthers, and those memories are pretty fond, because I didn’t have to worry about . . .

3)    Dealing with local coverage.  Local coverage is the worst idea in the history of sports.  The NBA doesn’t do that crap.  You’re going to force a major station to televise crappy games, simply because some boring clock managing expansion team moves in my state? It isn’t too bad when the Panthers are good, but when they suck, it is torture watching them play the freaking Falcons or the Bucs with <insert old washed up quarterback here>.  This is compounded times ten when the game of the week is an NFC game at the same time the Panthers play.  I’m sure I’ll hear people say “get Direct TV and your problem will be solved” and I will, but I’ve already been corrupted on this point.   I cannot be influenced otherwise.


Oh yeah the Panthers won, and the Falcons are better than I thought they would be which is saying a lot.  That is all.


Monday Night Game

Pittsburgh Steelers 23, Baltimore Ravens 20

 

Pittsburgh managed to pull out a tough battle against the Ravens after trailing 13-3.  Considering the Ravens have the number 1 ranked defense in the league (what’s new) that is quite an accomplishment.  Now let’s get to the important stuff.

That cart you saw Rashard Mendenhall carted out on will have Ben Roethlisberger on it in the coming weeks if the Steelers offensive line does not start doing what made them millionaires.  He has been getting killed the past couple of weeks and every team in the league who has watched these past two games will be sending the house (including all the foreclosed homes) at Ben for the rest of the season. 

Finally, I love tough football, but Ray Lewis, you took it a little too far this time.  What is it with you and Steelers running backs?  First you told Jerome Bettis to “tape up his groin” and come out and play since he’s so tough.  Then you break Mendenhall’s shoulder, putting the rookie out for the year, because he sent a text to Ravens back Ray Rice saying he was going to have a good game?  A mild concussion or even a sprained MCL would have been appropriate, but a season ending shoulder injury is cruel and unusual punishment for moderate rookie trash talk.  Goodell needs to break these Ravens linebackers up, they’ve been beating ass for too long to go unpunished. 

Oh yeah, NFL player quote of the week goes to Raven’s LB Bart Scott who, when asked about Mendenhall’s comments to Ray Rice, said that Mendenhall needed to let “lying giants sleep.”

The Brandon Marshal Beastly Physicality Performance of the Week

(Given weekly to the player with the most physically dominating performance)

Larry Johnson, Running Back, Kansas City Chiefs

28 carries, 198 yards, 2 TDs.

I debated not giving it to him because it was against the Broncos defense, but I’ll let him have it.  Favre was a close second, but there is nothing beastly about throwing 6 TDs against the Cardinals.

The Fred Taylor Hot Potato Award

(Given to the weekly to the player who can’t hold onto the ball thus severely damaging his teams chances of winning)

Kurt Warner, Quarterback, Arizona Cardinals

40/57 472 yards, 2 TDs, 3 INTs, 4 Fumbles (3 lost)

Well this is the last week of this award being referred to as the Fred Taylor Hot Potato Award.  It will from now on be known as the Kurt Warner Too Hot to Handle Award.

Not only did the old gun slinger manage 3 INTs and 4 fumbles, but he threw the ball 57 times!  While he is to be commended for his yardage and getting Breaston, Fitzgerald and Boldin, 100 yards apiece, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a clearer more deserving winner of this award.  It is abundantly clear that Kurt just didn’t want the damn ball in his hands so he got rid of it in anyway he could, whether it was throwing it to the other team, fumbling it away or throwing to his receivers.  (5 receivers with over 5 catches and 3 with over 110 yards)

Congratulations Kurt.  You deserve it.