1) Hate is a Hater’s Best Friend

What is there not to hate about the Patriots? If you’re not a Pats fan, odds are you utterly and completely envious of what they’ve accomplished over the past 10 years.  To make things worse, there seems to be no end in sight as the offense has at least 2-3 more years of production at or near their current level.  The defense is aging but with the wealth of picks in this year’s draft, they will have every opportunity to rebuild the defense the right way. 

2) Tom Brady

Tom Brady is great and will probably retire as one of the greatest if not the greatest QB of all-time.  Now that that’s out of the way, who really deserves this record, Peyton Manning or Tom Brady?  The good guy or the smug preppy type?  The family man or the baby daddy? 

He also dates supermodels and has them bear his illegitimate children, which makes me jealous.  (I’m in full hater mode right now, sue me)

3) Spygate

If there is any such thing as karma, the Pats will suffer crucial offensive injuries in their final game against the Giants for 1) all the games they ran up the score 2) spying on other teams signals and the NFL’s insufficient punishment 3) playing starters to win a meaningless game for a record.  Not only would that make sure that what went around comes back around, it would send a message to the rest of the league that the purpose of the game is to win championships, not break records. 

4) Perfection

Yeah, it would be nice to not have to hear from the 72’ Dolphins ever again, however, the alternative is seeing an old Grinch looking Bill Belicheck, a 60 year old Randy Moss still wearing cornrows, and Tedi Bruschi in a wheelchair 20 years from now when some other prospective undefeated team losses its first game.

5) Madden Football

I cannot recall a worst year for online Madden football.  Not only do 90% of online players pick the Patriots, but they come up with sleazy ways to pick them without you having the ability to pick an equally talented team.  A mini-game has developed between players where the cheap Patriots user will select a team like the Raiders that will allow them to switch to the Patriots and hit start so quick you’re stuck playing with the team you selected.  This turns online team selection into kindergarten version of “you pick first, NO you pick first” all because no one wants to get caught out there playing with a crappy defense against Tom Brady and Co.

6) Bill Belichick

An arrogant jerk.  Essential qualities for the modern day football genius.  He gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar and he looks up and says, “yeah I did it, so what, what are you going to do about it mother?”

7) Memorable Season

Not only will this season go down as memorable if the Pats can hold it together and finish 19-0, but it will also go down as the season in which I learned that it is possible to hate another team more than I hate the Dallas Cowboys.

8) Randy Moss

I don’t know if there is a guy less deserving of breaking any of Jerry Rice’s records than Randy Moss.  (Ok maybe Terrell Owens) 

9) Screw the Bad Guys

The common logic seems to be dynasties are good for sports because we need an evil empire to cheer against.  I don’t need someone to cheer against, I just need my teams to win.  When they aren’t winning, there is usually an evil dynasty in the way.

10) Poor Sportsmanship

Mocking Merriman last year against the Chargers.   Mocking the Eagles in the Super Bowl a couple of years ago.  Spygate.  Running up the score.  Ty Law and Co. illegally holding and clawing well beyond the line of scrimmage to cover Harrison and Co., prompting a rule change.  The list will surely grow this year.

11) Tedy Bruschi and Mike Vrabel

To overrated players who never come up in best LB discussions, but are covered during the playoffs as if they were the best LB tandem since Lawrence Taylor and Carl Banks. 

12) Mike Vrabel at TE

Why?  The sooner they lose and he gets old I never have to see this in the red zone again.  Its not cute, it’s typically Patriots unnecessary shenanigans, tomfoolery, and other forms of monkeyshines.

13) More Hate

How can the Eagles be the biggest underdogs in the last 30 years against these guys?  I mean we suck, but are we really that bad?  Obviously not, as were it not for Jabar Gaffney, I could be drinking a good cup of Egg Nog right now instead of writing a response to Jesse’s article. 

14) Share the Wealth

I’m a Robin Hood theorist at heart.  A good penalty for Spygate would have been to break these guys up and distribute their assets to the Jets and Eagles.  (We’ll take Moss and Brady)  Seriously though, Brady will never eclipse winning prior Super Bowls with probably the worst receiving cores in Super Bowl history.  He doesn’t deserve to play with the wealth of offensive talent he’s been blessed with.  I guess the rich get richer.

15) Negative Role Models

What about the kids?  If the Patriots win doesn’t that tell our kids that the better you are at cheating, you’ll have so much money and success that by the time you get caught you can just shrug it off?

16) The Ultimate Hater’s Bowl

The prospect of a New England Patriots v/s Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl has me about to vomit.  I can’t think of a worse scenario.  Who do you cheer for?  If this game materializes, I’m rooting hard for a tie.  Since I can’t get this, the next best alternative is Patriots win, then it is later found out that they had been videotaping Cowboys signals all year long and they are stripped of the title.  That way, Pats don’t have the ring and the Cowboys ring has an asterisk beside it.